Tuesday, September 20, 2005

Lions in Autumn

Home is where the heart is.

That is what they say. What happens when you don't know where your heart is anymore? What happens when Home just doesn't feel like "Home"? There is warmth, there is goodness, and all manner of blessings, yet something is missing.

Once, home was a part of me. Something that made me whole and right. Now, I just don't feel that anymore. Its not the distance, nor the people there. On the contrary, I love my family and they are the greatests gifts given to me by God.

Its just not home.

I remember an old show on Animal Planet I saw some time ago, where they followed a pride of lions on a Kenya game reserve. These lions, who's life, strangely resemebled our own. Had every moment of their existance filmed for the period of two years. During the second year, something happened that stuck with me for some odd reason, and know I think I know why. There were two young male lions, who had reached the point in their lives where their manes were full and their size large. The Alpha of the Pride, began to fight with them, forcing them from the pride. Basicly, sending them out to find their own way in the world. The two young males, however did not fight back. They kind of just went. As if they some how knew it was time for them to go.

My father has never kicked me out or anything, he actually wants me to stay at home. Weird.

I digress.

I have not really discussed this with anyone, but somehow, I just feel like those young lions. Something inside me tells me that it is time to go. It is time to make a new "home' where ever that may be.

I have traveled half the world. Seen sights that most people dream of seeing. I wander, but I am not lost. I know I will find what ever it is I am looking for.

These mountains, this land. It is not home, nor will it ever be, but it is home for now. Texas, doesnt feel like home anymore. I dont know where it is. I know I am here. Here is home. Here in me.

67 Comments:

At 7:00 AM, Blogger BigLeeH said...

The idea that home is a particular place is a fiction we create for our children because it is easy for them to understand. When they are old enough to leave this place called "home" -- when they get far enough away to really see it from the outside -- they have the disorienting realization that they can never go back. Their new wings won't fit inside the chrysalis.

It's painful for a while -- this loss of the simpler concept of a place called home -- but gradually you will see that "home" is the sum of all the people you care about. As you form new attachments the concept of home becomes even more dispersed. When you have your own children you will weave the illusion of home around them until they are ready, and if you do a good job they won't suspect that the word "home" no longer means to you what it means to them.

 
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At 2:45 AM, Blogger Denise said...

As a mother who is about to loose her two oldest boy I can tell you that what you are feeling is normal. We raise our children to build their own life and are proud and yet sad when we see them go. It would sadden us more not to see them try though.

You will do fine. You will build a life that you and your family will be proud of. And, when your own child is feeling the same way you will understand and know this side of the picture. It's all one big circle. (No Disney pun intended.)

 
At 2:46 AM, Blogger Denise said...

As a mother who is about to loose her two oldest boy I can tell you that what you are feeling is normal. We raise our children to build their own life and are proud and yet sad when we see them go. It would sadden us more not to see them try though.

You will do fine. You will build a life that you and your family will be proud of. And, when your own child is feeling the same way you will understand and know this side of the picture. It's all one big circle. (No Disney pun intended.)

 
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As a mother who is about to loose her two oldest boy I can tell you that what you are feeling is normal. We raise our children to build their own life and are proud and yet sad when we see them go. It would sadden us more not to see them try though.

You will do fine. You will build a life that you and your family will be proud of. And, when your own child is feeling the same way you will understand and know this side of the picture. It's all one big circle. (No Disney pun intended.)

 
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